7 Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

11 min readNov 22, 2020

Disclaimer:
I am not a doctor, therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. This list is from personal experience as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic with references to www.adultchildren.org

Sitting in therapy, silently starring at my therapist, she asked the question I never wanted to hear come from her mouth or anyone else’s for that matter.

“Was one of your parents an alcoholic?”

Ouch. I swallowed hard, took a deep breath, and then had an immediate flashback.

I am 4 sitting on a swing — my dad is pushing me — we are having fun. Then he says:

“I’ll be back; I just have to get a beer.”

Sadness came over me; why does he always leave me for beer.

Almost under my breath, I looked at her through the barrier of my computer screen. Her eyes softened as she saw the pain cross my face.

“My dad’s an alcoholic. But he’s functioning, so it doesn’t matter. He has a job; he isn’t homeless or anything.”

Are you an Adult Child of an Alcoholic?

Do you recall anyone drinking or taking drugs or being involved in some other behavior that you now believe could be dysfunctional?
Did you avoid bringing friends to your home because of drinking or other dysfunctional behavior in the home?
Did one of your parents make excuses for the other parent’s drinking or other behaviors?
Do you believe that it is your responsibility to take care of your parents’ feelings or worries? Do other relatives look to you to solve their problems?
Do you fear authority figures and angry people?
Do you over-commit yourself and then feel angry when others do not appreciate what you do?
Do you judge yourself without mercy and guess at what is normal?
Do you behave one way in public and another way at home?
Do you think your parents had a problem with drinking or taking drugs?
Do you think you were affected by the drinking or other dysfunctional behavior of your parents or family?

You can find a full question list and more information on ACOA official website.

If you answered yes to multiple of these questions, you might consider yourself an Adult Child of an Alcoholic — ACOA. With this title comes a “laundry list” of traits that often follow a child in a dysfunctional home.

I finally have come to terms with my character defects, but it took me time to recognize why they were there.

1. You Have an Immense Fear of Authority

I have never walked into a workplace and not feared my boss, primarily if I can’t determine their temperament. I live on eggshells because I am petrified that they will yell at me. I am afraid they will eventually hate me and then treat me like last week’s lunch meat.

As an ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics), I often have difficulty identifying the difference between someone asking me to do something and telling me to do something.

As a child, your alcoholic parent was often angry, abusive, and hurtful. The repercussion of this was a blurred line between authority and angry people. The abuse created a feeling of uncertainty around authority figures. This fear is because of the way the alcoholic spoke to you. They were the only authority figure in your life, and because of that, it instilled reasoning that all authority figures are angry and mean.

When you look at your childhood, you may remember the fear of the first crack of a beer bottle or the pouring of a glass of wine. Even at a young age, your mind remembers that anger from your alcoholic will follow suit. As an adult, you may notice that an authority figure will cause you the same anxiety anytime another adult figure will cause you the same fear — even when there is no alcohol around.

Something important to remember is that not all authority figures have temper issues. Someone in an authoritarian position will not flip the switch from appreciating you, respecting you, and valuing you to demeaning every peace of your character. Alcoholics have no control over that flip. Sober adults do.

2. You Are Very Impulsive

Recently my partner looked at me and said: “Do you ever think before you do something?” You may take that as an insult, but honestly, he was asking me a question. The answer: NEVER. I can’t stand thinking before doing. It takes too much time, and in life, I am on a constant mission to get shit done.

It can be difficult for you as an ACOA to make decisions. You often only do things impulsively and don’t think about their consequences. Because of this, you have become very good at hiding and fixing problems.

You don’t think about what you’re doing until it’s already done. As a child, you may have had to think quickly on your feet. If your parent was attacking you mentally or physically, you had to react promptly and be prepared. There was no time to determine the consequences of actions. Your fight or flight response was in overdrive every day.

When your fight or flight was constantly activated, you use that in everyday adult life. It may seem like a purchase needs to have an instant decision, or you need to take the job as soon as it’s offered without thinking. Life doesn’t move as fast as an alcoholics mood.

3. You Have a Fear of Abandonment

Every time my partner — before COVID-19 — left for a week on a business trip, my heart sank. When I dropped him off at the airport, tears would fall from my face. My subconscious mind can’t understand why he is always leaving me.

“Why does s/he always leave?” Did your alcoholic leave a lot? Maybe they went on benders and didn’t come home for days or weeks. You watched your parents fight, and then the sober parent packed their bags and left you alone with the alcoholic?

As an adult, this translates to your partner’s leaving for work every time they won’t return. Maybe you’re fearful that your partner will leave you for someone better. The fear is because your alcoholic or sober parent left you behind a lot.

Your brain assumes your partner leaving for a business trip means they aren’t returning and will leave you forever. Your subconscious mind tells you that we have seen this before; he is going and is never coming back.

4. You Are Incredible at Manipulation

How many times have you had to negotiate with your alcoholic? You may have had to do this daily as a child. You had to manipulate your alcoholic to go to bed or to eat something. Were you being raised, or did you raise your parent through manipulation?

When I was 17, my dad told me to bring him my car and the keys. He was mad at me for something irrelevant — I probably didn’t pick up milk for him after work. He would take my car from me all the time. I learned that I needed to negotiate with him if I wanted to keep my car. He would get drunk and empty my bank account, and I would have to manipulate him to give it back to me.

As an adult, you are probably an incredible salesperson. Most people that are successful in sales have alcoholic parents. You know what to say to get what you want or need from people. You have been practicing the art of manipulation since you could walk.

Enter adult Adan. On the first date with my partner, we asked each other if there was one thing about themselves they wanted to change, what would it be? Mine, the way I manipulate people to get what I want.

This innate ability to get what I want from anyone is incredible to watch but inevitably damaging to relationships.

5. You Ignore Red Flags in Friendships and Relationships

As a child, you may remember going to your friend’s homes for sleepovers, dinner, or a playdate. You may have seen their parent who has no substance abuse issues and felt uncomfortable. You may have felt that something was missing in their family dynamic.

When you have had a relationship — friendship or intimate relationship — You have always made assumptions about normal. Living years in a home with a substance user, the line between healthy and unhealthy is blurred.
What happens is you end up assuming what is expected and lose sight of red flags. The flags could be minor instances of abuse, someone controlling you, toxic gaslighting, and other forms of red flags that others would be able to identify immediately.

This assumption of normalcy can confuse ACOA and cause you to live in situations that aren’t healthy or normal. Not only is this instilling these characteristics, but it’s also creating more of a distortion of familiar in mind.
You may find yourself ending up in abusive relationships and friendships, and you would consider most of your relationships ending in dangerous situations.

The pattern is because it was expected in your regular life to see yelling and abuse; therefore, you associate this abuse as “normal.”
When “normal” isn’t healthy, you lack boundaries in relationships.

6. You Are a People Pleaser

The world would be a better place if everyone liked me. It’s best to make an effort to do everything for people to ensure they like me. I am a people pleaser because I have always felt my father never liked me. Now I push that onto others in hopes they’ll fill a void that he didn’t.

As a child, did you do anything you could to ensure your alcoholic was happy? You walked on eggshells to maintain a level of happiness. Yet no matter how hard you tried, you did something wrong.

A situation that may be familiar to you is this:

“Did you need me to take on that 12 extra piles of paperwork for you?”

If I do that, my coworker will like me more. It doesn’t matter that it will burn me out. All that matters is that they want me.

ACOA, like yourself, have this need to please people. Why? Well, when you were a child, you’d give anything to ensure happiness laid before you at home. You wanted your alcoholic to love you so bad. Anything your alcoholic asked you to do was done. You took the initiative to find ways to make them happy and, in turn, love you the way you needed.

7. You Have a Constant Feeling of Guilt

I told my dad off recently. He was drunk. He started to show a flip in his internal switch. His anger wasn’t towards me but towards my partner — a man who has never been around an alcoholic. I told my dad to stop, and he instantly turned into a small child, apologizing and making me feel guilty.

He said things like:

“Fine, I just won’t talk.”

“I’m sorry, do you just not want me around.”

“I don’t know what I was doing.”

I began to feel guilty.

When I was a child, my dad blamed me for most things. The chips would fall off the table — I put them too close to the edge. The broom would fall — I didn’t stand it upright. My dad’s car would run out of gas — I didn’t remind him.

When your alcoholic has made you feel guilty your whole life, you begin to bring that guilt with you into other areas of your life. You always have a guilty conscience, take responsibility for others’ actions and things that have happened.

You Are More Than an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

As I sit here, hitting my fingers against the keyboard, I see myself in every single instance. I hold the characteristics of an adult child of an alcoholic. I carry this baggage everywhere I go. Instead of having these negative characteristics, I change them to be a list of superpowers.

Fear of Authority = Respect for hierarchy
Impulsive = Adventurous
Fear of Abandonment = Loving as hard as possible.
Incredible manipulator = Fantastic negotiator
Ignoring red flags = Believing in everyone
People pleaser = Caring individual.
Feelings of guilt = On a constant path of improvement.

If you are an adult child of an alcoholic, it can be hard to break from these characteristics. You have been trained to believe this is normal. As a child, you developed these characteristics to protect yourself from the alcoholic.

You may still spend time with your alcoholic parent, you may feel like they have made you grow up too quickly, and you have had to parent them your whole life. Understanding that your addicted parent did the best with the cards they were given can be a challenging feat.

We are more than just a laundry list of awful characteristics that torment our every move. We are above this list and don’t need to identify these character defects.

Now that we know what they are, what do we do with them? Watch for them, identify them, and train yourself to understand why you react a certain way. Be mindful, and you will eventually be able to familiarize yourself with these insecurities.

Above all, if you have no place to turn, you can always look for an ALANON group meeting where they will be there with open arms waiting for you. ALANON is a constant in my life and can be stability in yours.

If you have read through this to the end, you may recognize yourself in some of these situations. I am by no means a medical expert, so you need to contact a therapist, psychologist, or doctor. It is essential to talk it through with someone medically trained to give you advice.
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness, suicide or suicidal thoughts never hesitate to contact your local crisis line, the national crisis line or dial 9–11
Canada: 1–833–456–4566
USA: 1–800–784–2433